You are definitely not a monster. My sister has 3 boys with ASD, and a 2 year old girl who is neurotypical. Thankfully they all are in school all day, but she dreads their school holidays. I’ve stayed with her and seen the struggles that come with parenting children with ASD, the meltdowns, the messes, the toileting issues. It’s a lot to handle. I think every parent of a child with special needs feels the way you do at times, they just don’t share it. Getting it off your chest is great, it helps to vent sometimes. I’m sorry that you’ve had issues with your ex and custody arrangements on top of everything else. I don’t pretend to know exactly what you’re going through, but I just want to tell you that you’re not a monster, not at all. I hope things get better for you.