I agree, it sounds like it’s a healthy relationship, your oldest and youngest. I have 5 children, and I’m the oldest of 6. In my experience, the oldest girl naturally tends to “mother" the baby of the family. I did with my only sister, and my oldest does with her youngest brother. It sounds like you and your partner are doing everything you can to make sure she doesn’t feel like she has to be a second mother. Giving her one-on-one time, not putting too much responsibility on her, etc., are great.

In contrast, since the age of 10 I had to babysit my 5 younger siblings almost every weekend. I hated it, my father never asked if I had plans, or wanted to babysit, I just had to, and he never paid me or even raised my allowance. Two of my brothers resented me being in charge of them, one was only 13 months, and the other two years younger than me. They fought and wouldn’t listen to me. The only good that came from that is I learned to be responsible from a young age. Fast forward to my 5 kids, once my oldest turned 12 we felt safe leaving her in charge sometimes so my husband and I could go on a date, or run errands without dragging everyone out. We always ask her though, and we pay for her phone in exchange, and often pick up a little treat for her on our way home. She is very responsible, she’s 18 now, and is like a second mom to my 9 year old. She dotes on him, and they both love it. I have always made sure to ask her if she’s ok with being in charge, and I make sure she gets one-on-one time, like you do. As I said, I think you and your partner are doing great, even with you being bed-ridden. Mom- guilt is tough, but it sounds to me like you are doing the very best you can.